Aries (March 21-April 19): Don't date anyone with a misspelled tattoo.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): When your explanations fail, just start dancing to the tune of "Tea for Two."
Gemini (May 21-June 21): When all else fails, imagine how hot Carol Doda was in 1969.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): A friend can put her entire fist in her mouth. Try to avoid situations where she does that in mixed company.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): When you run into Bruce Brugmann, start whistling the "Twilight Zone" theme.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don't judge a person by the tightness of their garments. Or under garments.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your personal biohazards are only as far away as your bathroom.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Any delusions of adequacy you might have today were good ones.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your invisible friend is up to a debate with Bill O'Reilly.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Avoid bloodbank pitches from vampires.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You've got too much time on your hands -- that's true if you don't have kids.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You think your horoscopes suck? We never tried to sell you a diet plan like Dr. Phil, have we?
If today is your birthday: You're pressing your luck -- and you don't know when the Whammy is coming.
January 30
Aries (March 21-April 19): Re-think your plans to compete in a "longest ear hair" competition.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): There are times when even a skunk is welcome to a picnic.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You might want to have that lower back tattoo removed or at least updated -- you know, too much wear and tear.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): It makes sense to become friends with fellow co-defendants.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You know somebody who has an overdue library book. Make them confess.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The on-hold music you heard today can be downloaded to your ipod if you're interested.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Avoid making inappropriate remarks while watching "Brady Bunch" reruns.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Buhwhahaha! With just a few clicks you can print labels, order shipping supplies and request free package pickup -- or override the president's "football" and send nuclear launch codes to NORAD. Isn't this Postal Service web site useful?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your body is surging with Postal Power!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When all else fails, blame things on a vendor.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When all else fails, think of somebody you used to hear late at night, then fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Rosie O'Donnell hates you.
If today is your birthday: Bring your own massage table to work and, because it's your birthday, ask your co-workers to give you a rub-down for a few minutes. Then ask your boss for a happy ending.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): There are times when even a skunk is welcome to a picnic.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You might want to have that lower back tattoo removed or at least updated -- you know, too much wear and tear.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): It makes sense to become friends with fellow co-defendants.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You know somebody who has an overdue library book. Make them confess.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The on-hold music you heard today can be downloaded to your ipod if you're interested.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Avoid making inappropriate remarks while watching "Brady Bunch" reruns.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Buhwhahaha! With just a few clicks you can print labels, order shipping supplies and request free package pickup -- or override the president's "football" and send nuclear launch codes to NORAD. Isn't this Postal Service web site useful?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your body is surging with Postal Power!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When all else fails, blame things on a vendor.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When all else fails, think of somebody you used to hear late at night, then fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Rosie O'Donnell hates you.
If today is your birthday: Bring your own massage table to work and, because it's your birthday, ask your co-workers to give you a rub-down for a few minutes. Then ask your boss for a happy ending.
January 29
Aries (March 21-April 19): You may be an agent for Satan but your duties are largely ceremonial.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Find another eye surgeon. The one you have is too cheap -- he's always cutting corneas.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your credit card company considers you a V.I.D. -- a very important debtor.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Just remember, those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Make a movie about your next haircut. It will be a short clip.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your PlayStation will be stolen, but at least your friends and family will be there to console you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Just when you think you can't laugh any more ... an in-law walks in the door.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Mind your manners at the table. You don't want the U.N. to issue a resolution about you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When you talk about your computer, you make your mother board.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): At the hospital, you'll bump into two doctors who are joking about sutures. They had each other in stitches.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You get your large circumference from too much pi.
If today is your birthday: You know you're old when you point out where buildings used to be.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Find another eye surgeon. The one you have is too cheap -- he's always cutting corneas.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your credit card company considers you a V.I.D. -- a very important debtor.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Just remember, those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Make a movie about your next haircut. It will be a short clip.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your PlayStation will be stolen, but at least your friends and family will be there to console you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Just when you think you can't laugh any more ... an in-law walks in the door.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Mind your manners at the table. You don't want the U.N. to issue a resolution about you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When you talk about your computer, you make your mother board.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): At the hospital, you'll bump into two doctors who are joking about sutures. They had each other in stitches.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You get your large circumference from too much pi.
If today is your birthday: You know you're old when you point out where buildings used to be.
January 26
Aries (March 21-April 19): You're a credit to your species.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Consider changing careers to a screen writer. Your first job could be a Dracula movie that needs re-Vamping.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): A wonderful person who is the answer to all of your problems will call your house once today. Nobody will answer and this person will not leave a message.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Open your mail today and you'll get just what you needed -- a fake little cardboard credit card that is designed to make you want a real one.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): If you're not careful, you'll drop a computer on your foot today and have a megahertz.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The two podiatrists you know are becoming arch rivals.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You better pay your exorcist or you'll be repossessed.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't donate your organs before you're done using them.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The online poker tournament you will be playing in tonight ends suddenly -- your computer will cache in its chips.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): As you attempt to keep pounds off, it will occur to you that the kind of warning labels that would be helpful would be those that say "Warning: This food may cause significant widening of the butt."
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You know a cosmetic surgeon who knows how to raise eyebrows.
If today is your birthday: You know you're old when you write "thank you" notes without being told.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Consider changing careers to a screen writer. Your first job could be a Dracula movie that needs re-Vamping.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): A wonderful person who is the answer to all of your problems will call your house once today. Nobody will answer and this person will not leave a message.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Open your mail today and you'll get just what you needed -- a fake little cardboard credit card that is designed to make you want a real one.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): If you're not careful, you'll drop a computer on your foot today and have a megahertz.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The two podiatrists you know are becoming arch rivals.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You better pay your exorcist or you'll be repossessed.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't donate your organs before you're done using them.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The online poker tournament you will be playing in tonight ends suddenly -- your computer will cache in its chips.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): As you attempt to keep pounds off, it will occur to you that the kind of warning labels that would be helpful would be those that say "Warning: This food may cause significant widening of the butt."
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You know a cosmetic surgeon who knows how to raise eyebrows.
If today is your birthday: You know you're old when you write "thank you" notes without being told.
January 25
Aries (March 21-April 19): People are putting down your newest invention. They're saying a cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You're getting tired of sleeping.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You want to improve your body language but can't put your finger on it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): You'll get a call from a pollster and answer questions about subjects you know nothing about. You will be among the 53% who said what sounded good. Another 28% repeated an opinion heard elsewhere. And 19% just made up something to sound intellectual. Tonight you'll see the poll on the news and wonder what you were thinking.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): If you have sticky buns, you shouldn't put your pants on.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): While watching TV, it will occur to you that "Grey's Anatomy" has many humerus remarks.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Grab your sippy cup and boggie.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When you see your first strands of grey hair, you'll dye.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don't let those compliments about your hair go to your head.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your attempt to run a flea circus is ruined by a dog who steals the show.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Some people are passengers in life; you're a hitchhiker.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
If today is your birthday: You're not a kid anymore if you paint your apartment walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You're getting tired of sleeping.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You want to improve your body language but can't put your finger on it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): You'll get a call from a pollster and answer questions about subjects you know nothing about. You will be among the 53% who said what sounded good. Another 28% repeated an opinion heard elsewhere. And 19% just made up something to sound intellectual. Tonight you'll see the poll on the news and wonder what you were thinking.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): If you have sticky buns, you shouldn't put your pants on.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): While watching TV, it will occur to you that "Grey's Anatomy" has many humerus remarks.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Grab your sippy cup and boggie.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When you see your first strands of grey hair, you'll dye.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don't let those compliments about your hair go to your head.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your attempt to run a flea circus is ruined by a dog who steals the show.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Some people are passengers in life; you're a hitchhiker.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
If today is your birthday: You're not a kid anymore if you paint your apartment walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
January 24
Aries (March 21-April 19): The scent of your right sock will soon become a perfume in a foreign land.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Show your appreciation for a loved one today by leaving them a bus ticket to Kansas City.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): After the Y2K scare, your hobby of obsessive worrying suffered. Now a days you should be devoting your free time to either worrying about global warming or a possible bird flu pandemic.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Ever notice how 1 percent of your customers take up 90 percent of your time? Charge them more.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): After working 24 hours straight, you'll call it a day.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Heavily iced cakes await you around every corner.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The stars express their will; you must cower before people wearing beige.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Shiny objects hold attraction for you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To some, marriage is a word. To you, it is a sentence.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Several Chihuahua owners are preparing to visit your place of employment.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Avoid people with more than one first name.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The key to unlock your future is at a small, independently owned locksmith.
If today is your birthday: You're not a kid anymore if your car has four doors.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Show your appreciation for a loved one today by leaving them a bus ticket to Kansas City.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): After the Y2K scare, your hobby of obsessive worrying suffered. Now a days you should be devoting your free time to either worrying about global warming or a possible bird flu pandemic.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Ever notice how 1 percent of your customers take up 90 percent of your time? Charge them more.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): After working 24 hours straight, you'll call it a day.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Heavily iced cakes await you around every corner.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The stars express their will; you must cower before people wearing beige.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Shiny objects hold attraction for you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To some, marriage is a word. To you, it is a sentence.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Several Chihuahua owners are preparing to visit your place of employment.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Avoid people with more than one first name.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The key to unlock your future is at a small, independently owned locksmith.
If today is your birthday: You're not a kid anymore if your car has four doors.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)