February 1

Aries (March 21-April 19): To get a certain someone off your back, schedule a meeting with them on Feb. 29.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are brimming with unbridaled postal power.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You think you're a smart investor until you get that 1099 in the mail.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Today, just for the hell of it, throw your hat in the air like Mary Tyler Moore.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You're on the top of the world, looking down on creation, and the only explanation you can find is the love you have found ever since you new friend has been around.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your refrigrator magnets are organizing and planning attack.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): When all else fails, think about how hot Dean Martin was in 1950. Or Ricky Martin in 2000.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You'll get into an arugment today about who is "The Mary" and "The Rhoda" in your relationship.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your refrigerator magnets say a lot about you. Maybe too much.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When things go poorly, just start humming the theme to "Shaft."

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When things fail, just pull down an imaginary boom microphone above you and announce "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You can tell a lot by the tattoo on the small of a woman's back.

If today is your birthday: You're old enough to start preserving, for historical purposes, stuff from the 1970s.