February 2

Aries (March 21-April 19): Don't judge a person by how long it takes for them to respond to your e-mail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Time to update that "Truckin' on" bumper sticker.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): If you are exacerbating an existing problem, try to exacerbate in private.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You only go to Costco for the free food samples.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You've got the charm of Wink Martendale and the sensitivity of Chuck Woolery.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): By breathing, you are accruing frequent flyer miles that you don't about.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You're so picky in the kitchen that you'd rather have your Veal l Prince Orloff flushed down a toilet than serve it reheated.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Try to limit your meal choices to things that are either red or green. Avoid blue at all costs.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Who knows, all your genes may be recessive.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You can control the entire U.S. Postal Service from your cubicle command post. Or at least that's what the card says that you got in the mail. You control it all except for the gun play.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your tax returns are works of fiction.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): When your age has more digits than your bank balance, it's time to get on a budget.

If today is your birthday: Time to start telling people your real age -- in dog years.