February 6

Aries (March 21-April 19): Avoid people with more than one first name.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): It's sad that you don't even remember the e-mails you sent when you were drunk.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your life during football withdrawals is the pits.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You're like gravity -- always putting people down.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You should try reading a book upside down, but you'll have a hard time keeping your legs up in the air.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If God wanted most of us to see the sunrise, He would have scheduled it later in the day.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Nobody believes you when you lie. You're like Bill Gates telling people that his latest upgrade doesn't have any bugs.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): He or she who hesitates is probably right.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Someday you'll look back at everything that is going on, and you'll plow into a parked car.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): No matter how sexy your spouse is, at some point you’re going to have to talk with each other.

If today is your birthday: Time to think about the big things in life. Tonight you'll lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky. You'll think to yourself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?"

February 5

Aries (March 21-April 19): Jay Leno and Mark Leno are both characters in your dreams. There's probably a good joke there, but we haven't figured out what it is.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): There's a customer relations person in India who looks just like you but speaks better English.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Instead of worrying about the awards, just go to a trophy shop and buy the ones that you need to impress your boss.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Today you should avoid producers from the new Fox game show "Longest Pubic Hair."

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Attempts by management to train you have failed. But since there's a hiring freeze and they can't backfill, you've got a job forever -- or until you shoot somebody at work. Or convicted of shooting somebody at work. Or lose an appeal of your conviction for shooting somebody at work. OK, until you actually join "death row."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Re-enactment of Fajita-gate goes terribly wrong when a real police officer shows up and arrests one of the actors in your skit.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You'll find yourself embroiled in a debate over a couple of beers -- which scare was a better waste of money, Y2K or Global Warming?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your life is controlled by an overbearing and pompous anchorman.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If you have a friend who you catch watching Bill O'Reilly, but quickly changes channels when you walk into the room, either hate that person immediately or recognize him/her for the demographic they represent.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Some people see your new tattoo as simply a tramp stamp.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Do a cost-benefit analysis on your next purchase of waffles.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): End your conversations by saying "Good Night and Good News."

If today is your birthday: Your secret about removing chocolate stains from white clothing will make you millions.

February 2

Aries (March 21-April 19): Don't judge a person by how long it takes for them to respond to your e-mail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Time to update that "Truckin' on" bumper sticker.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): If you are exacerbating an existing problem, try to exacerbate in private.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You only go to Costco for the free food samples.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You've got the charm of Wink Martendale and the sensitivity of Chuck Woolery.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): By breathing, you are accruing frequent flyer miles that you don't about.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You're so picky in the kitchen that you'd rather have your Veal l Prince Orloff flushed down a toilet than serve it reheated.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Try to limit your meal choices to things that are either red or green. Avoid blue at all costs.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Who knows, all your genes may be recessive.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You can control the entire U.S. Postal Service from your cubicle command post. Or at least that's what the card says that you got in the mail. You control it all except for the gun play.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your tax returns are works of fiction.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): When your age has more digits than your bank balance, it's time to get on a budget.

If today is your birthday: Time to start telling people your real age -- in dog years.

February 1

Aries (March 21-April 19): To get a certain someone off your back, schedule a meeting with them on Feb. 29.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are brimming with unbridaled postal power.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You think you're a smart investor until you get that 1099 in the mail.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Today, just for the hell of it, throw your hat in the air like Mary Tyler Moore.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You're on the top of the world, looking down on creation, and the only explanation you can find is the love you have found ever since you new friend has been around.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your refrigrator magnets are organizing and planning attack.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): When all else fails, think about how hot Dean Martin was in 1950. Or Ricky Martin in 2000.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You'll get into an arugment today about who is "The Mary" and "The Rhoda" in your relationship.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your refrigerator magnets say a lot about you. Maybe too much.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When things go poorly, just start humming the theme to "Shaft."

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When things fail, just pull down an imaginary boom microphone above you and announce "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You can tell a lot by the tattoo on the small of a woman's back.

If today is your birthday: You're old enough to start preserving, for historical purposes, stuff from the 1970s.

January 31

Aries (March 21-April 19): Don't date anyone with a misspelled tattoo.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): When your explanations fail, just start dancing to the tune of "Tea for Two."

Gemini (May 21-June 21): When all else fails, imagine how hot Carol Doda was in 1969.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): A friend can put her entire fist in her mouth. Try to avoid situations where she does that in mixed company.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): When you run into Bruce Brugmann, start whistling the "Twilight Zone" theme.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don't judge a person by the tightness of their garments. Or under garments.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your personal biohazards are only as far away as your bathroom.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Any delusions of adequacy you might have today were good ones.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your invisible friend is up to a debate with Bill O'Reilly.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Avoid bloodbank pitches from vampires.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You've got too much time on your hands -- that's true if you don't have kids.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You think your horoscopes suck? We never tried to sell you a diet plan like Dr. Phil, have we?

If today is your birthday: You're pressing your luck -- and you don't know when the Whammy is coming.

January 30

Aries (March 21-April 19): Re-think your plans to compete in a "longest ear hair" competition.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): There are times when even a skunk is welcome to a picnic.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You might want to have that lower back tattoo removed or at least updated -- you know, too much wear and tear.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): It makes sense to become friends with fellow co-defendants.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You know somebody who has an overdue library book. Make them confess.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The on-hold music you heard today can be downloaded to your ipod if you're interested.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Avoid making inappropriate remarks while watching "Brady Bunch" reruns.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Buhwhahaha! With just a few clicks you can print labels, order shipping supplies and request free package pickup -- or override the president's "football" and send nuclear launch codes to NORAD. Isn't this Postal Service web site useful?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your body is surging with Postal Power!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When all else fails, blame things on a vendor.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When all else fails, think of somebody you used to hear late at night, then fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Rosie O'Donnell hates you.

If today is your birthday: Bring your own massage table to work and, because it's your birthday, ask your co-workers to give you a rub-down for a few minutes. Then ask your boss for a happy ending.

January 29

Aries (March 21-April 19): You may be an agent for Satan but your duties are largely ceremonial.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Find another eye surgeon. The one you have is too cheap -- he's always cutting corneas.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your credit card company considers you a V.I.D. -- a very important debtor.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Just remember, those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Make a movie about your next haircut. It will be a short clip.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your PlayStation will be stolen, but at least your friends and family will be there to console you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Just when you think you can't laugh any more ... an in-law walks in the door.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Mind your manners at the table. You don't want the U.N. to issue a resolution about you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When you talk about your computer, you make your mother board.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): At the hospital, you'll bump into two doctors who are joking about sutures. They had each other in stitches.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You get your large circumference from too much pi.

If today is your birthday: You know you're old when you point out where buildings used to be.

January 26

Aries (March 21-April 19): You're a credit to your species.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Consider changing careers to a screen writer. Your first job could be a Dracula movie that needs re-Vamping.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): A wonderful person who is the answer to all of your problems will call your house once today. Nobody will answer and this person will not leave a message.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Open your mail today and you'll get just what you needed -- a fake little cardboard credit card that is designed to make you want a real one.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): If you're not careful, you'll drop a computer on your foot today and have a megahertz.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The two podiatrists you know are becoming arch rivals.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You better pay your exorcist or you'll be repossessed.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't donate your organs before you're done using them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The online poker tournament you will be playing in tonight ends suddenly -- your computer will cache in its chips.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): As you attempt to keep pounds off, it will occur to you that the kind of warning labels that would be helpful would be those that say "Warning: This food may cause significant widening of the butt."

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You know a cosmetic surgeon who knows how to raise eyebrows.

If today is your birthday: You know you're old when you write "thank you" notes without being told.

January 25

Aries (March 21-April 19): People are putting down your newest invention. They're saying a cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You're getting tired of sleeping.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You want to improve your body language but can't put your finger on it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You'll get a call from a pollster and answer questions about subjects you know nothing about. You will be among the 53% who said what sounded good. Another 28% repeated an opinion heard elsewhere. And 19% just made up something to sound intellectual. Tonight you'll see the poll on the news and wonder what you were thinking.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): If you have sticky buns, you shouldn't put your pants on.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): While watching TV, it will occur to you that "Grey's Anatomy" has many humerus remarks.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Grab your sippy cup and boggie.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When you see your first strands of grey hair, you'll dye.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don't let those compliments about your hair go to your head.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your attempt to run a flea circus is ruined by a dog who steals the show.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Some people are passengers in life; you're a hitchhiker.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

If today is your birthday: You're not a kid anymore if you paint your apartment walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.

January 24

Aries (March 21-April 19): The scent of your right sock will soon become a perfume in a foreign land.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Show your appreciation for a loved one today by leaving them a bus ticket to Kansas City.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): After the Y2K scare, your hobby of obsessive worrying suffered. Now a days you should be devoting your free time to either worrying about global warming or a possible bird flu pandemic.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Ever notice how 1 percent of your customers take up 90 percent of your time? Charge them more.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): After working 24 hours straight, you'll call it a day.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Heavily iced cakes await you around every corner.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The stars express their will; you must cower before people wearing beige.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Shiny objects hold attraction for you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To some, marriage is a word. To you, it is a sentence.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Several Chihuahua owners are preparing to visit your place of employment.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Avoid people with more than one first name.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The key to unlock your future is at a small, independently owned locksmith.

If today is your birthday: You're not a kid anymore if your car has four doors.