February 5

Aries (March 21-April 19): Jay Leno and Mark Leno are both characters in your dreams. There's probably a good joke there, but we haven't figured out what it is.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): There's a customer relations person in India who looks just like you but speaks better English.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Instead of worrying about the awards, just go to a trophy shop and buy the ones that you need to impress your boss.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Today you should avoid producers from the new Fox game show "Longest Pubic Hair."

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Attempts by management to train you have failed. But since there's a hiring freeze and they can't backfill, you've got a job forever -- or until you shoot somebody at work. Or convicted of shooting somebody at work. Or lose an appeal of your conviction for shooting somebody at work. OK, until you actually join "death row."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Re-enactment of Fajita-gate goes terribly wrong when a real police officer shows up and arrests one of the actors in your skit.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You'll find yourself embroiled in a debate over a couple of beers -- which scare was a better waste of money, Y2K or Global Warming?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your life is controlled by an overbearing and pompous anchorman.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If you have a friend who you catch watching Bill O'Reilly, but quickly changes channels when you walk into the room, either hate that person immediately or recognize him/her for the demographic they represent.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Some people see your new tattoo as simply a tramp stamp.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Do a cost-benefit analysis on your next purchase of waffles.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): End your conversations by saying "Good Night and Good News."

If today is your birthday: Your secret about removing chocolate stains from white clothing will make you millions.