February 6

Aries (March 21-April 19): Avoid people with more than one first name.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): It's sad that you don't even remember the e-mails you sent when you were drunk.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your life during football withdrawals is the pits.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You're like gravity -- always putting people down.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You should try reading a book upside down, but you'll have a hard time keeping your legs up in the air.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If God wanted most of us to see the sunrise, He would have scheduled it later in the day.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Nobody believes you when you lie. You're like Bill Gates telling people that his latest upgrade doesn't have any bugs.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): He or she who hesitates is probably right.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Someday you'll look back at everything that is going on, and you'll plow into a parked car.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): No matter how sexy your spouse is, at some point you’re going to have to talk with each other.

If today is your birthday: Time to think about the big things in life. Tonight you'll lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky. You'll think to yourself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?"

February 5

Aries (March 21-April 19): Jay Leno and Mark Leno are both characters in your dreams. There's probably a good joke there, but we haven't figured out what it is.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): There's a customer relations person in India who looks just like you but speaks better English.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Instead of worrying about the awards, just go to a trophy shop and buy the ones that you need to impress your boss.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Today you should avoid producers from the new Fox game show "Longest Pubic Hair."

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Attempts by management to train you have failed. But since there's a hiring freeze and they can't backfill, you've got a job forever -- or until you shoot somebody at work. Or convicted of shooting somebody at work. Or lose an appeal of your conviction for shooting somebody at work. OK, until you actually join "death row."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Re-enactment of Fajita-gate goes terribly wrong when a real police officer shows up and arrests one of the actors in your skit.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You'll find yourself embroiled in a debate over a couple of beers -- which scare was a better waste of money, Y2K or Global Warming?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your life is controlled by an overbearing and pompous anchorman.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If you have a friend who you catch watching Bill O'Reilly, but quickly changes channels when you walk into the room, either hate that person immediately or recognize him/her for the demographic they represent.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Some people see your new tattoo as simply a tramp stamp.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Do a cost-benefit analysis on your next purchase of waffles.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): End your conversations by saying "Good Night and Good News."

If today is your birthday: Your secret about removing chocolate stains from white clothing will make you millions.

February 2

Aries (March 21-April 19): Don't judge a person by how long it takes for them to respond to your e-mail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Time to update that "Truckin' on" bumper sticker.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): If you are exacerbating an existing problem, try to exacerbate in private.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You only go to Costco for the free food samples.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You've got the charm of Wink Martendale and the sensitivity of Chuck Woolery.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): By breathing, you are accruing frequent flyer miles that you don't about.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You're so picky in the kitchen that you'd rather have your Veal l Prince Orloff flushed down a toilet than serve it reheated.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Try to limit your meal choices to things that are either red or green. Avoid blue at all costs.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Who knows, all your genes may be recessive.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You can control the entire U.S. Postal Service from your cubicle command post. Or at least that's what the card says that you got in the mail. You control it all except for the gun play.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your tax returns are works of fiction.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): When your age has more digits than your bank balance, it's time to get on a budget.

If today is your birthday: Time to start telling people your real age -- in dog years.

February 1

Aries (March 21-April 19): To get a certain someone off your back, schedule a meeting with them on Feb. 29.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are brimming with unbridaled postal power.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You think you're a smart investor until you get that 1099 in the mail.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Today, just for the hell of it, throw your hat in the air like Mary Tyler Moore.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You're on the top of the world, looking down on creation, and the only explanation you can find is the love you have found ever since you new friend has been around.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your refrigrator magnets are organizing and planning attack.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): When all else fails, think about how hot Dean Martin was in 1950. Or Ricky Martin in 2000.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You'll get into an arugment today about who is "The Mary" and "The Rhoda" in your relationship.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your refrigerator magnets say a lot about you. Maybe too much.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When things go poorly, just start humming the theme to "Shaft."

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When things fail, just pull down an imaginary boom microphone above you and announce "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You can tell a lot by the tattoo on the small of a woman's back.

If today is your birthday: You're old enough to start preserving, for historical purposes, stuff from the 1970s.