January 24

Aries (March 21-April 19): The scent of your right sock will soon become a perfume in a foreign land.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Show your appreciation for a loved one today by leaving them a bus ticket to Kansas City.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): After the Y2K scare, your hobby of obsessive worrying suffered. Now a days you should be devoting your free time to either worrying about global warming or a possible bird flu pandemic.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Ever notice how 1 percent of your customers take up 90 percent of your time? Charge them more.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): After working 24 hours straight, you'll call it a day.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Heavily iced cakes await you around every corner.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The stars express their will; you must cower before people wearing beige.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Shiny objects hold attraction for you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To some, marriage is a word. To you, it is a sentence.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Several Chihuahua owners are preparing to visit your place of employment.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Avoid people with more than one first name.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The key to unlock your future is at a small, independently owned locksmith.

If today is your birthday: You're not a kid anymore if your car has four doors.