January 29

Aries (March 21-April 19): You may be an agent for Satan but your duties are largely ceremonial.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Find another eye surgeon. The one you have is too cheap -- he's always cutting corneas.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your credit card company considers you a V.I.D. -- a very important debtor.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Just remember, those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Make a movie about your next haircut. It will be a short clip.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your PlayStation will be stolen, but at least your friends and family will be there to console you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Just when you think you can't laugh any more ... an in-law walks in the door.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Mind your manners at the table. You don't want the U.N. to issue a resolution about you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When you talk about your computer, you make your mother board.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): At the hospital, you'll bump into two doctors who are joking about sutures. They had each other in stitches.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You get your large circumference from too much pi.

If today is your birthday: You know you're old when you point out where buildings used to be.