Aries (March 21-April 19): Re-think your plans to compete in a "longest ear hair" competition.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): There are times when even a skunk is welcome to a picnic.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You might want to have that lower back tattoo removed or at least updated -- you know, too much wear and tear.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): It makes sense to become friends with fellow co-defendants.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You know somebody who has an overdue library book. Make them confess.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The on-hold music you heard today can be downloaded to your ipod if you're interested.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Avoid making inappropriate remarks while watching "Brady Bunch" reruns.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Buhwhahaha! With just a few clicks you can print labels, order shipping supplies and request free package pickup -- or override the president's "football" and send nuclear launch codes to NORAD. Isn't this Postal Service web site useful?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your body is surging with Postal Power!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When all else fails, blame things on a vendor.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When all else fails, think of somebody you used to hear late at night, then fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Rosie O'Donnell hates you.
If today is your birthday: Bring your own massage table to work and, because it's your birthday, ask your co-workers to give you a rub-down for a few minutes. Then ask your boss for a happy ending.