January 31

Aries (March 21-April 19): Don't date anyone with a misspelled tattoo.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): When your explanations fail, just start dancing to the tune of "Tea for Two."

Gemini (May 21-June 21): When all else fails, imagine how hot Carol Doda was in 1969.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): A friend can put her entire fist in her mouth. Try to avoid situations where she does that in mixed company.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): When you run into Bruce Brugmann, start whistling the "Twilight Zone" theme.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don't judge a person by the tightness of their garments. Or under garments.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your personal biohazards are only as far away as your bathroom.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Any delusions of adequacy you might have today were good ones.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your invisible friend is up to a debate with Bill O'Reilly.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Avoid bloodbank pitches from vampires.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You've got too much time on your hands -- that's true if you don't have kids.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You think your horoscopes suck? We never tried to sell you a diet plan like Dr. Phil, have we?

If today is your birthday: You're pressing your luck -- and you don't know when the Whammy is coming.