January 26

Aries (March 21-April 19): You're a credit to your species.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Consider changing careers to a screen writer. Your first job could be a Dracula movie that needs re-Vamping.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): A wonderful person who is the answer to all of your problems will call your house once today. Nobody will answer and this person will not leave a message.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Open your mail today and you'll get just what you needed -- a fake little cardboard credit card that is designed to make you want a real one.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): If you're not careful, you'll drop a computer on your foot today and have a megahertz.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The two podiatrists you know are becoming arch rivals.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You better pay your exorcist or you'll be repossessed.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't donate your organs before you're done using them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The online poker tournament you will be playing in tonight ends suddenly -- your computer will cache in its chips.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): As you attempt to keep pounds off, it will occur to you that the kind of warning labels that would be helpful would be those that say "Warning: This food may cause significant widening of the butt."

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You know a cosmetic surgeon who knows how to raise eyebrows.

If today is your birthday: You know you're old when you write "thank you" notes without being told.